Muddling Through

On reminding myself that nothing lasts forever

I am on the struggle bus. I know I am not alone because there are quite a few of us who are. Friends have reached out to me about their struggles, and I have done the same. Reaching out is new for me. I have always retreated because honestly, I didn’t ever feel like I had permission to be not okay. Feelings and expression of them were for other people. In fact, it was my job to fix them. By being the voice of sanity/calm/reason, nursing people back to their infinite potential. For most of my life I did that and rarely looked at myself. I knew I was anxious and overwhelmed, but as along as everyone else was alright, I could manage. Until I couldn’t, and I didn’t. And so here we are. Again.

The thing is, I have some experience with it now. I know it won’t last. I know if I continue to practice giving myself a break and muddle through, these feelings won’t last forever. I have managed to get through every terrible day I have had and I will continue to do so. I guess the weariness I have with the world right now is so heavy, it doesn’t feel like I will ever get to lay it down. But I will, and so will you. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

Glimmers

• I was sitting on my porch the other day, watching the burnt red leaves of my Japanese Maple leaf tree and feeling the welcome cool breeze when a beat up old car came around the corner blasting the most beautiful opera. It was so unexpected, but Pavarotti can make a lot of things better.

• Yesterday, I was taking a break on my walk, and I saw a woman open up an empty tote bag on the asphalt, and the cutest ginger colored toy poodle toddle into it. She scooped him up, and as they walked by, I was introduced to Tootsie, who licked my nose and made my day.

• I woke to the smell of eggs and bacon wafting through my open window today. Delightful.

• A woman walking by the gas station the other day recounted her time dating a hot Italian man that had a Mini Cooper not unlike mine. She thanked me for stoking that memory up for her.

• I have been listening to the “Handsome” podcast. Y’all, it is Tig Notaro, Mae Martin and Fortune Feimster hanging out and talking and being so goddamn funny that I have spit water out a number of times laughing my ass off. Check it out.

• I found a DVD of my family home movies that has brought me so much joy and comfort. Seeing my parents young and vibrant has healed my heart in ways I cannot describe. It was just what I needed!