"If this isn't nice, what is?"

-quote by Kurt Vonnegut

the last sip of my beautiful cocktail from dinner with my dear friend Gabby

Things have felt…unsteady. Uncertain. Fragile or maybe just how they’ve always been, not in our control. I could cite the placement of the stars and the moon, some astrological chart, maybe a long ago event from history that is still flapping it’s butterfly wings that we are just feeling the ripples from. I could most definitely reference this administration and the open, active cruelty they are displaying before our eyes, and if you are even paying the slightest bit of attention, I would be right. I vowed one thing this go around, though. Their power was not going to eviscerate my mental health. I am putting up a valiant effort to not let this happen, but I am only human, and it’s been a struggle. This is the thing, though. I am no help to anyone, let alone myself, if I am spiraling. I am spiraling. So, it is time to reframe, refocus and get back to the basics. My Mom used to say this thing when I was struggling, or anyone was, the old school acronym ‘K.I.S.S.’ ‘Keep it simple, stupid.’ Some people use silly in the place of stupid, but I am old school and a sucker for punishment.

“My Uncle…taught me something very important. He said that when things are going really well we should be sure to notice it. He was talking about very simple occasions, not great victories. Maybe drinking lemonade under a shade tree, or smelling the aroma of a bakery, or fishing, or listening to music coming from a concert hall while standing in the dark outside, or, dare I say, after a kiss. He told me that it was important at such times to say out loud, 'If this isn’t nice, what is?'" -Kurt Vonnegut

I read the above quote to Mike about two weeks ago, and this is what we have been pulling out of our pockets since. In between bad news after shocking update followed by life’s random curveballs, we are just trying to remember the good stuff. That we are safe, alive, and in most ways, thriving. I know this isn’t the case for everyone, we know that, so we are helping where we can. I had a very challenging and humbling day yesterday at my new job, and I could not reign myself in to write. I was a live wire all day and well into the night, but finally, after weeks of this, my brain relented to let me sleep. I still don’t have the words, but I decided I still have my powers of observation for all the tender stuff, the good parts, and however it all comes out today is what you get. A little rambling never hurt anyone.

My dear friend Gabby is becoming even more dear. You could say I inherited her from Mom, she was one of her hospice nurses. Turns out Gabby is a prolific, and beautiful writer. We’ve been inspiring each other every time we hang out or talk. If you or a loved one has received a devastating diagnosis, or are nearing the need for Palliative Care and/or hospice services, Gabby is your one stop shopping with all things death and dying. She offers classes and seminars, guest speaking and education, she is a death doula. You can even hire her, and you should because she is the real deal and just a good, whole hearted human who is on her own grief journey. A real grief surfer, as I like to say.

We cleaned up our yard last week and I have been enjoying it whenever I can. We are finally having hot weather in Northern California (which I actually hate), but the cool mornings and temperate evenings are a boon. I sit out with my sparkling water and a book, or sometimes I raw dog reality and just…sit. Last night I had a witchy full moon candlelight something or other by myself because I am trying to let some things go. I have no idea if it will work, but it was beautiful and quiet, a nice massage for my nervous system.

When we are both home and time allows, we’ve been having afternoon quiet time. We usually get in bed and read, a lot of times I let my mind wander and type in my Notes app, or we nap. Sometimes, we do scroll, but it’s always looking at the Chonkers and/or Fat Cats Reddit forum which is full of rotund, mostly happy but sometimes grumpy cats. It’s no secret that we love cats, this is a tried and true way to cheer ourselves up. Unrelated, Mike and I love to make up silly, juvenile songs to see who can make the other one laugh harder. There have been some real gems lately. I think he’s winning.

Here’s some random good bits. We have these miniature vases that belonged to Janemom, my late mother-in-law. I filled them with beautiful, albeit fake, bougainvillea stems. A nice pop of color. I have recently procured some dopamine fashion in the form of a cardigan and pajamas filled with strawberries. Mike found a local brand of ice cream that has a flavor called ‘50-50’ like the 50-50 creamsicle bars Mom was obsessed with the last few years of her life. Orange sherbet and vanilla ice cream. It made me cry when he bought it, now it makes me smile when he eats it. Dates filled with peanut butter and a little shredded coconut. Gotta get that fiber, and these are delicious little bombs of goodness. Slow walks in the evening, right at magic hour when the light is like a memory filled film strip. Cold sparkling water. Smiling at strangers and seeing the light in their eyes. Old poetry books from the used bookstore. Planning for an upcoming trip to NYC in October. Putting my hand over my heart, remembering that I am still very much here trying to take every last bit in. Writing it down. I don’t want to forget any of it, I want to take it all with me. Put it all in my suitcase heart. Have love, will travel.