Felines and Feelings

On finding connection

I am a hermit. I love to be home. I didn’t used to be like this, but COVID really messed my head up. I was scared to get the virus at work, and then decimate family and friends with it. As any healthcare worker will tell you, the early days of the pandemic were bad. Very bad. All of it was, really. It still is because it fundamentally changed a system that was broken at best before this happened. In the early days, a lot of people died. If a patient ended up on a ventilator in the ICU, this was the death knell. Even after the mortality improved, it was an awful time inside those walls. I am not sure I will ever “get over it” or process what I saw. I think the cognitive dissonance was the worst. People would ask me how it was going, but they didn’t really want to know. They wanted me to tell them it wasn’t that bad, or it would all be okay, but it wasn’t, and I’m not a liar. Being constantly dismissed and one-upped by everyone was alienating and exhausting, so I did what I always do. I shut up.

Inside of my own head, my own home, was a safer place to be than constantly being gaslit into thinking that my experience was some dream state. I don’t blame people, every living person was going through it, and there has been immeasurable mental health fallout these past four years. This has been the rubble I am trying to climb out of after that experience in addition to caring for my dying mother. Human connection has been something I avoid, but it is lonely and isolating to grieve, to live, by yourself. Of course I have Mike and all my dear friends, I am not alone. Anyone who has grieved will tell you it definitely feels that way, though. Being around people exhausts me, so I have been slowly dipping my toes in back into the socializing pool.

My writing leader,

Joy Sullivan

, put together a writing assignment (go be a paid subscriber! You, too can participate in the fun!) to go to a place where humans aren’t the dominant species and write about it. Like an intrepid reporter. I picked a local cat cafe. In the last three weeks, I have been four times. It has been such a sanctuary. The cats are delightful, but I have met so many lovely people. Yesterday, I took an embroidery class there, and it was like a balm. My grief is making a reappearance as of late, and for the first time, connection is making it better. I have been finding myself purposefully planning social outings with friends again, and also planning some newer, scarier endeavors like doing an Open Mic poetry reading later this month. I know we aren’t supposed to go it alone, and I don’t want to. I have loved cats since I can remember. Who knew they would be my way back to people? Meow.

Glimmers

• I feel like this has become an animal page, but I meet the best dogs on my walks. This week, I was sitting on my coffee bench (where I sit after I get my coffee), and I could hear a woman I could not see scolding someone named Larry. I started laughing so hard when this woman came around the corner holding the fluffiest, most irritated Pomeranian under her arm like a package. Apparently, Larry isn’t a fan of his morning walks, either.

• The cat cafe is so cool. It is a huge open room with tables and couches and cat climbers and of course, cats. They come and visit and play, but mostly, we just all watch and pet them as they nap. The people that run the facility are the best, and they made this place so folks could connect there. I promise I am not becoming a crazy cat lady! Or maybe I am. It is fun finding out.

• I took an embroidery class there yesterday. I think I found my craft! It was so much fun, and the teacher helped me with so many things I didn’t know before when I tried to teach myself. Here’s to more projects.

• I took headshots for my friend Gabby this last week. I have to go through the images, but it has been ages since I used my digital camera and did something like this. We went to a lovely garden and talked and connected while I took photos for her. Fingers crossed they are amazing.

• I ordered a bunch of the miniature plastic rubber duckies for no good reason. They made me giggle and smile, and these days, I am into whatever silly little thing brings me joy. I think you should lean into whatever makes you smile, too. If you want to tell me about it in the comments, please do! I love to hear what makes life more enjoyable. Plus, maybe we can all learn something to add to our little libraries of joy.